Didja ever read something that wasn't there?

I took a peek at my horror-scope today; just a quick glance as I flipped the paper to my puzzles and games. I try to do a crossword puzzle and the Jumble and the Celebrity Cipher every few days to keep my mind from turning into mashed potatoes. I have in my daily routine to nurse the boys, on my lap, until they fall asleep, twice a day. The goal is to the ease them off the lap onto the bed and stay in the room with them, nurse them when I need to, and try and "get something done". I stay with them so if they stir and start blinding rooting around for Mama's Milk Machine I can just plug them in and they won't fully awaken. Sometimes I can get them to sleep for two hours that way. BUT I must be near enough to hear the little seeking noises and to re-attach them before they move around too much, or they're up. I told my MIL when she asked - as she invariably does - how are they sleeping? - that they sleep once in the morning for about 45 minutes and once after lunch for a hour and a half. She said - "Oh, great! I bet that's when you get things done." Yeah, like I am going to wait until my babies are asleep, then leave the house and get a manicure...

Anyway, I was with the boys and they were dozing. One was on the bed next to me and the other was still nursing away, in his sleep, as attached as firmly as a limpet mine. When I folded the newspaper over to expose the crossword and provide a somewhat stiff surface upon which to write, (experienced puzzlers know what I mean) I caught a glimpse of my Horoscope - or Horror-scope, as I like to call it.

I THOUGHT I read:

Irritation becomes more intense - what are your own motives?

I unfolded the paper and read the actual text:

A flirtation becomes more intense. Question your own motives.

What a meaningful mistake! Here I am, tired, hot and as cross as two sticks (British expression - get it - like to sticks are crossed, you know to make an X - har har- never mind...) I was irritated at my leg falling asleep under the weight of the baby and I read the word 'irritation" when it was really "flirtation"...hmmm...

Dear MOT, this is your Alter Ego speaking: step back from it all and take a look. Here you are in a comfortable house, with a lovely marriage to a sweet man, with healthy, absolutely beautiful babies and in good health yourself. Everyone says your two are unusually cute, even the nurse at the pediatrician's office. AND a lot of people, even women without babies, who don't have any experience with a body that has changed drastically, say you look good for someone who had gained almost 80 pounds during a pregnancy. Why be so cross?

Well, Mizz AE; yer right. I must be thankful. After I asked almost every mama I knew and made about a million phone calls for babysitters, I finally have two girls to come over and help out in the evenings. I am sure they'll be great and they both seem very sweet (apart from the fact that they are both cute; no more than 18 and 19; and together weigh less than I do, even when I am on the scale totally naked and first thing in the morning...oh well...youth on the young...) Tonight was the third night, and it worked out beautifully. One of the girls came by at 4:30, helped me feed them, then my DH came home from work, I changed, went jogging for 40 minutes, came home, showered, got dinner ready, we all ate and then she left around 7:30. My inimitable parents have said: Send us the bill. Okay! No need to ask me twice. I am going to try and have someone over at least four days a week. If I can go running and eat a decent dinner four times a week, I will be much better off. So will the babies, no doubt.

A flirtation becomes more intense... With my husband? With my future? With my family? With my happiness? I wonder to what that referred. I think it meant as long as I Keep on Keeping On, head down and blinders on, in the same way I am, I won't get any happier and the situation won't get any better. After all, the insane do the same thing, the same way, over and over and expect different results. I need to grow and change as these boys' needs grow and change, without losing myself in the process. Getting a couple of babysitters/mama's helpers is a step. Getting out jogging is a step. Not drinking 3 cups of heavily sugared double espresso a day is definitely a step. I've been off the java for four days now and really do feel better. Or, perhaps I feel better because I've got a buzz from the replacement chocolate milk I've been enjoying. buzz buzz buzz.

Of course, I can't change everything at once. These blogs must needs be done when I can squeeze 'em in. Tonight, for example, my three men are tucked up in bed and I am sitting on the bath mat, at 11:00 PM with my one eyed cat purring between my knees, the laptop resting on his broad, furry back. I think he thinks it's another cat, warm, happy and purring back. Life's little moments.