Asinine comments, Part two

Yes, more of my favorite asinine comments from all and sundry; I knew I hadn’t heard the last of them! Here they are, the latest batch of remarks, complete with my fantasy responses.


I was innocently shopping at Stop and Pop, my favorite place to go on a rainy day, when the proverbial little old person accosted me. “Oh, my! Twins, are they?” she yells.

“Yes, they are twins. These are my boys, Vegetable and Banana-head,” I said, introducing the scrumptiousnesses that are mine.

“Hey! If they are twins, why do they have different colored eyes, and why is he bigger?”

“Because they are fraternal twins.”

“But his eyes are a different color…why?”

“I made them that way, just to confuse old people like you, ok, Missus Let’s Stick our Face into other People's Business?”

I am sure every mother, whether she has twins, triplets or singletons has heard the admonition, don’t do this/that/the other you’ll spoil the baby, blah, blah, blah. Well, I was with my boys at a relative’s house, and when one the babies started to cry I rushed over and picked him up. He had become scared by one of the older children’s noisy toys. I got to hear –

“She’s going to have a lot of trouble with those boys of she keeps on spoiling the like that.”


“Children are like tropical fruit. They only spoil if they are ignored. My babies are not going to be spoiled by my enjoying them and appreciating them and picking them up when they need me. Your little ADHA child was obviously ignored, Missus Bad Mother.”

We were at a friend’s swimming pool, and the babies went into the water with their DD. Someone remarked, because my younger by 20 seconds baby has eczema on his ankle -

“The pool water is going to clear that skin right up! I took my daughter swimming in our pool every summer; she had eczema until she was 12 years old.”

“Oh, really? I am sure I have read, have heard, and know from personal experience with dry skin that chlorine is harmful, dehydrating, and will only worsen the situation. Eczema must not be exposed to air or it will dry even more. Why else do you think babies don’t eczema (except in the most extreme cases) on their diaper area? Huh, Mister Instant Dermatologist? That’s because the diaper area is never exposed to air. But now that you’ve told me your version of medical fact, and reassured me that your own child suffered from itchy skin for twelve years, I’ll be sure to dip my baby into a chemical bath on a regular basis!”

(As it is, I give the boys a bath as soon as I can after they have been in a pool, so as not to make my poor little Vegetable baby any more dry, or my mother will call him Alligator.)

I am still nursing the babies, and yes, they have teeth. One of them bit me a few times, but I managed to talk him out of it. The other baby still bites me, I accidentally, I hope, or when he isn’t really interested in nursing. He bites a lot of things and nibbles on my neck and ears and skin in general. I am still trying to convince him that biting is not fun for anymore, but it’s a battle. So this comment, which came from a man friend a few weeks ago, was really too much.

The friend was sitting with me chatting, as I nursed the Biter and suddenly I exclaimed – “Ouch! No, baby! No biting!” The baby took a break; I kissed him and then continued to nurse. My friend said -

“You know, it’s not a good idea to let the baby bite you on the boob. You should try to stop him.”

“Really? You think I should start trying to get him to stop? Well, my old job was at a club called The Chamber and I was known as Dominatrix Trixie Van Pelt. I still kind of like sharp, painful pinching on delicate parts of my anatomy, but of you think I should stop him, Mister Experienced Nursing Man…”

This last comment was from a woman who I have known for several years. She has two boys of her own and, when I said I hoped to nurse my twins as long as I could, she said –

“Breastfeeding can be a good thing, but after a year, it’s kind of like child abuse.”

I had no idea what to say to that one, in jest, or in solemnity, and I still don’t.