A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup of coffee
Recently I read a comment posted on this blog, from an anonymous, who said she didn’t like the remark in my profile about unless you have twins and are breast-feeding and co-sleeping, you can’t know what I am going through. She commented that she felt alienated by that sentence, and it made her feel “like you're rubbing my face in how much more difficult/challenging your situation is than mine.” This lady has twins too, and I am sure she has had some of the same problems/experiences I have been through.
Well, we ALL think we have it harder than the next gal. We ALL think we suffer more than the next Mama, and that we do it better, too. I know in many ways my home situation is great, (the weekly house help and the three days a week babysitter for three hours at a time) and in other ways I feel as if I am trapped in a Hell of my own creation, (no career, except being a mama, no job, except looking after babies, no-one to visit or talk to, unless I call and call and call and beg, or crash a playgroup), which is much worse than being a helpless victim. When you are a victim it’s not your fault; this way, because I CHOSE to have children, it is my fault.
I was upset and annoyed by the comment – of course! I would like to think everyone has great sympathy and admiration for me, the fine job I am doing with the boys and how well I am managing to keep my head above water, and how they are happy and thriving and how I look pretty decent, blah, blah, blah. But I am very afraid of being exposed as a fraud – I am not okay, I am frazzled and tired and I get depressed.
I would like to think people invite me over because they think I am fun and interesting (in spite of my only ever using half the brain for conversation – I need to keep the other half on the boys), but I guess not. I visited someone the other day who later told me that the visit wasn’t fun for her because I was seemed annoyed all the time, as if I expected her to help hold a baby the entire time. I certainly do not expect someone to help hold a baby all the time; number one, they are learning to walk and do not want to be held too much, except by me or my DH; and number two, I am capable of holding them on my own – it’s all I do all day alone in the house anyway. I was just tired, not pissed off at all, but since that’s how she saw me, I guess I can’t hope for a return trip anytime soon, eh? (Hey, Honey! Let’s have Bitchy No-Sense-of-Humor Missy and the twins over for dinner on Tuesday. It’ll be great! She can glower and make unpleasant remarks, and we can feel guilty about not holding her babies the entire time we are eating! Doesn’t that sound fun!?)
I would also like to think I can overcome my addictions, namely to caffeine and sugar. Stronger women than me have tried to wrench free from these chains of substance abuse and have failed; how can I hope to be different from my more hardened and experienced mama cohorts? I had not had any caffeinated coffee for about six weeks, but I did have a coffee and chocolate milkshake this weekend, and felt much better for it. I was, apparently, acting like a pissy bitch and my sister mixed up the shakes, one for me to improve my mood and one for her, so she could tolerate having me in her house for the rest of the day.
I would also like to think I can still be fun and happy and cool to be with, but I guess I am still waiting for my sense of humor to return. Everyone who knows me knows that I really don’t like to be teased, at least not too hard. For some reason, I take it to heart. (Example – I deleted the part of my profile that the Anonymous commenter found alienating. Now if that’s not a sign of insecurity and a need to be loved by everyone, I don’t know what it is. I’m so pathetic.) So, in an attempt to regain some humor, the ability to take a joke on me, some rationality and some sense of how I should act around those who have (obviously lost their collective marbles and) invited me for an overnight/a day/an afternoon/an hour, I have decided it’s okay to have a cup of coffee in the morning and another at the midday lunch time-ish meal. (You know, the “meal” I eat sometime between 11:00 and 3:00…lunch.)
So, in lieu of any real sleep (which ain’t happenin’ soon) here we go! Back to the sweet arms of the daily coffee! Come to me, my caffeinated Baby! Wrap those java limbs around me, and sweep me off my feet. And while you’re at it, could you sweep under the table? I see some Cheery-Oats from the last feedin’ time under there.
posted by Mother of Twins & More @ 7:23 PM
10 Comments:
Okay, you go and put that line back in your profile. Then remember that no one EVER knows how you feel or what you're going through so screw anonymous and her feelings of inadequacy.
Okay?
Linda
indigogirl.typepad.com
Talk about fate! I found your site by accident tonight, and can't believe what I'm reading. You are living the life that I have been living for years. My twin boys turned 4 in June... and I still have not been able to come up for air. Reading your anecdotes has been like therapy for me. I shuddered at some of the memories your stories brought back (OK, I also smiled at some). You are right, few people can truly understand what it's like to raise twins (and more).
Keep your chin up, and please keep sharing your life as a mother of twins.
It's time for sleep. One of my sons still starts his day at 5:30am!
Take care.
Hi there decaffeinated/tired one. I think if a caffeine addiction is your worst sin the go with it, you gotta do what you gotta do to get through. I personally was sleep deprived for four years and I only had the one angel to deal with. On the other hand, my best buddy has five under 4 years old and her husband threatened to divorce her because she smokes, outside, once in a blue moon, to deal with the stress. I'm going to send her a link to your blog so she can commiserate.
i just found your blog today, and as a mother of twins, who just turned two in may, i can commisserate! it's not possible for others to understand what makes our day-to-day life difficult for us, whether it's twins or loneliness or struggling with caffeine, or all of the above, or completely different issues. that's why i love blogs, because they give us ways to share our daily lives with other people, especially other mamas.
i myself have given up on struggling with my feelings of guilt over caffeine (for me, it's mountain dew soda), because it gets me through, and on the scale of vice, it's not too bad. i try not to drink it after the early afternoon, just so it doesn't screw with my sleep, but that's about it.
l;ooking forward to more of your blog!
MOT,
I just found your site today! Don't sweat the comment from Anonymous. She's the one that's got the problem. She's made herself feel inadequate by comparing her life to yours. I'm a mother of 6 year-old triplet boys and I've heard it all. I even get the cold shoulder from some of my triplet mom aquaintances because when we all get into our "birth stories" they feel inadequate because I had an uncomplicated, pregnancy and delivery and worked full-time for 20 weeks and half-time for another 7 weeks. I can't help it that I was made for breedin' a litter. I now have to fight off the 90 pounds I gained making those perfect little babies of mine and most of them are all skinny Minnies again because they gave birth before they could gain so much weight. It's a trade off. It's so bad, I don't ever share my birth story with them anymore without at least prefacing it with a sort of apology. How stupid is that to feel ashamed because I was "lucky" and that makes them feel like failures.
My best friend also has triplets (we met through our parents of multiples group) and we can't live without each other. Our kids are the same age and we are so much alike. She's my lifeline and she understands everything that I go through every day of my life. I suggest that you need to get out there and make some friends that you can relate to. My friend and I have the same sense of humor, the same tastes, and the same irreverent outlook on life. If you joined your local parents of multiples group, you might just meet the friend that will make you days so much better. Now, don't get me wrong, you will meet some whiners and complainers and some people that you wouldn't want to talk to other than the fact that you have your twins in common. It's worth it to get out of the house a couple of nights a month, dress up a little and go out for dinner or coffee or just conversation. I've stopped going to my local meetings, because my kids are older and the local groups cater mostly to the moms with babies and toddlers. I am still active in a citywide triplet and more group, because we try to help mothers expecting "supertwins" to get the best care available so that they have the best outcome possible. The more you know, the better medical treatment you'll get.
You sound like someone that might not want to join a "support group", but if only for the fact that you could find a friend that understands that having two at a time is different would make it worth a try. Many singleton parents are either amazed or feel terribly inadequate around mothers of multiples. It's hard to get past either feeling and be friends. When you're with other parents of multiples, they never think it's weird that there are kids crawling all over them all the time while having a conversation. Or how you can just "tune them out" when they get to be too much. Or what it's like to feel the guilt of not having as much one-on-one time with their kids. Or of having everything that the kids have color coded and the kids learn their colors by their names ("What color is the grass?" boy #3's response "Hayden!" "What color is the sky?" boy #1's response "Alec!", etc.). Those kinds of things...
Keep your chin up! You need to get some "me time" or you will go nuts. Oh, and the coffee. Drink it while you can! I was a fixture at Starbucks for years and in the past year developed a heart arrhythmia (benign) and I had to give up caffeine and alcohol. Good thing the kids are six now! I'd have lost my mind without at least caffeine in the first three years! Drink up and have a Vente Iced Vanilla Latte for me! Oooh! It's time for the Pumpkin and Gingerbread lattes to come out! Be still my fluttering heart...
c'est moi, the controversial anonymous.
mom of triplets, i couldn't agree more that MOT could use a friend. mothering multiples is painfully isolating, not least because few people truly understand what you're going through.
so here's what occasioned my posting: i'm reading the blog and thinking "wow, i really like this! i really relate to it! she has my kind of sense of humor! i wonder if we could be friends ... " i had these fantasies of e-mailing her, maybe someday exchanging phone numbers (not to sound stalkery or anything; this was the wee hours, remember -- my imagination kind of runs away from me). i felt as if i might have found that elusive treasure, a kindred spirit.
and then i read the profile about the breastfeeding and co-sleeping and how i can't relate to her "no way, no how" unless i do the same. ooof. it was kind of a punch in the gut to read that -- a crash to earth, a bursting of the proverbial bubble, choose your own cliche.
it was probably (ok, certainly) an overreaction, stemming from (as several sensitive responders noted) my own sense of inadequacy, desperation, etc. i'll try to explain briefly (because i know this is MOT's blog, not mine -- this is just by way of explanation). breastfeeding was a treMENdous source of angst for me -- i had HELLP syndrome, then lost a lot of blood in my C-section, then peaked four weeks later at a pathetic pumping output of 2 ounces, THEN developed three pulmonary embolisms and finally gave up; and as you can see, i still feel guilty and defensive enough about it to list for complete strangers all the reasons i couldn't (or is it just that i wouldn't? i know what la leche would say) breastfeed: because i fear judgment.
plus i am wickedly jealous of people who co-sleep with their babies. between the breastfeeding and the co-sleeping (and the attachment parenting and the no-crying-it-out and on and on), i am just not the mother i wanted or intended to be, and i obsess over it.
all i wanted was for MOT to know how the comment made me feel, because i thought she might care. i'm not even saying she *should* care, i'm saying i thought she *might* care. and it turns out she did, but not in the way i hoped.
so for the record, MOT: i think you have a delightful blog. i think you are a wonderful writer who should publish (and i am an editor at a large daily paper, if that gives my opinion any heft). i think you are smart and funny. i think you are hard on people, including yourself. i admire you. i am jealous of you. i respect you. and i don't want you to judge me -- because as insecure and possibly nutty as this is, i care if you do. because in a wee-hour vision of future friendship, i wanted you to like me.
now i'm actually feeling a little bit teary, so i'm going to sign off now. good luck, MOT, and hang in there.
jennifer
Wow, who knew this would spark such a big discussion, eh?
Anonymous, Momotrips, here.
Don't let the Le Leche Leaguers and other breast-feeding moms get you down, either. I couldn't breastfeed either and I just put that behind me. I made myself feel better about it by enjoying my babies normal growth and big fat chubb. I knew that I was able to make these babies inside my body and that I was enough for them for 34 long weeks. After that, they needed me to be there as sane as possible. I worked really hard to get past any guilt I felt about not breast feeding and for stopping the insessant pumping that tended to increase my depression, frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed. It's not the only way to bond with your babies, nor is co-sleeping. I admire MOT for her efforts in the area, but I know that I could never have done this. I would have lost my mind and not have been a very good or effective mommy. Scheduling and sleeping was a Godsend to us and to this day I have very good sleepers. A lot of parenting has to do with what works best for you as a family and you personally. You can't compare yourself to anyone else. And yes, you can be friends with those who differ with your views, but you have to consciously make the effort to accept the differences. MOT might have a smoother time of things if she chose not to breastfeed or co-sleep, but she is willing to make the sacrifices that are required to do these things. She's also lucky to be able to breastfeed, because no matter what anyone says, it doesn't just come naturally to everyone. Just like some have a strong cervix and some don't, some people really can't breastfeed no matter how much they want to.
Let's all agree that we as mothers of multiples AND singletons all have it rough! It's all in what you're used to and what you as an individual can handle. Maybe I can't relate to MOT in the breastfeeding and co-sleeping areas, but she can't relate to having three babies, two arms, two breasts, two parents and always feeling outnumbered. Maybe neither MOT or I can relate to your hard delivery and near death bringing your babies into this world. In the biggest sense, it doesn't matter. We all know what it's like to be new moms wanting to do it all right and feeling inadequate. Only WE make ourselves or allow ourselves to feel inadequate, because we are our own harshest critics. I'm just happy that I'm past the potty-training stage and you guys still get to look forward to that! On that we are all on equal footing!
I will continue to have this site on my daily reads, because I appreciate your writing style and sense of humor, MOT. I like reading about something I can relate to, not always politics. Your posts make me smile.
Melissa
Hi Mother of Twins & More. I came across this 'walking partner' related site and wondered if you know of any other site which might help me to find a walking partner. Perhaps you could respond to the post and let me know? Many thanks
I got an email on this post. I just re-read all the comments and I had to think "My My! I was soooo touchy those days!" I'm a leeeetle bit better now, mostly because NOW I have friends.
How to find a walking partner...well, I'm in the New Haven area, and don't know of any walking groups. Give me your personal email and let's see if there is a park near both of us for a walk. I am assuming you have twins as well? LMK!
Hi. I was just wondering if you knew of any websites which help people to find a 'walking companion' in their local area, just ike this website 'walking companion'? Do you know of any others? Many thanks
Post a Comment
<< Home