What kind of terrible mother am I anyway?

I guess a really busy, somewhat overwhelmed and harried one. My twin A has been drooling and fussing for a few days now, but, for reasons I really can't go into, we felt compelled to drag him to four different events over this weekend. First we went to a Christmas Eve thing, then we slept at my parents’ house so we could all wake up and open presents together on Christmas Day. Then we went to another Christmas Day thing, a 90-minute drive from my parents’ house, and then, on Boxing Day, we had another thing to attend. The baby has been crying on and off since the 23rd, and I have just kept him going.

In hindsight, the hindsight of the day after, I see that staying at my parents’ house then going to three parties with a baby who can’t sleep, eat or nurse comfortably because he has OPEN SORES IN HIS MOUTH and a fever from thrush, was a big mistake. The babies have been on a course of antibiotics, for ear infections, for the past ten days and Twin A got thrush as a result.

Yes, two days ago, on the last day of amoxicillin, when he stopped nursing and started fussing, I saw a white coating on his tongue. I remarked on it to the DH, who told me, “Oh, it’s just milk, he’s fine.” Curses upon me, boo hiss Bad Mother am I, for not listening to that instinct-inner-warning-signal thing. I was so busy getting the bags packed and the car ready and the bloody polar bear out of the bloody tree that I didn’t stop, sit down and really look carefully at my precious baby. The white patches are still there and today, as his mouth was wide open, to facilitate screaming, I saw an open, slightly bloody, sore on the underside of his tongue. No wonder he has been unhappy! I KNEW there was something wrong! On Christmas Eve he howled for about two hours before going to sleep. TWO HOURS! I thought he was too wound up, unable to sleep and unwilling to eat because he was upset at not being at home. My mother said, “Oh, it’s colic.” Colic!? That is just a medical term for sorry, we-have-no-idea-what’s-wrong-with-your-baby. Not to belittle parents and babies who have suffered from colic, for them it is very real. I just mean that my baby A has never been colicky, even as a three month old, so why would he suddenly develop it at 15 months? I should have known something was not right.

The next day, during the present opening frenzy and general fracas of four toddlers in a completely non-baby proof house, every little thing set him off. His brother was equally pissy from having is plant destroying attempts thwarted, so by the time we had to leave to go to our next party I had the mother of all headaches, and a real worry about my boys. Neither had eaten much, nor nursed much either, especially Baby A. Why was he crying so much, and why wouldn’t he nurse? He’s usually my milk-guzzling boy.

On the way to the next party, they napped the whole 90 minute ride, and arrived feeling okay. Half an hour into the visit – scream central. Again. We found some push toys and got them to eat some steak, but after two hours, we were all totally ready to get out of Dodge and get home. They were DEEE-lighted to be back in their own house. We had a lovely bath, a nice snack and we all slept fairly well, mostly from exhaustion.

Yesterday we spent a somewhat odd morning at home. Twin A cried all over the place, from the time he woke up at 6:00 am to when he fell asleep in a glider and napped for three hours, which is most unusual. After he awoke he seemed pretty happy, ate some lunch and we went to our fourth and final holiday thang. They were fine in the car on the way and seemed happy for about twenty minutes after we had arrived, but as more people arrived, they became upset, especially Baby A. Baby B had some snacks and some yogurt, and was willing to talk and be petted and to be held, but Baby A just cried and cried. During one crying jag I got a peek in his mouth and saw the open sore. I called the pediatrician right away, who confirmed my suspicion of thrush. BUT the pharmacies are closed, so we have to wait until later today to call another pedi to call in the prescription to chase the demon fungus away from my baby.

I feel angry and worried and angry and upset and really angry; at myself and at the anti-biotic that caused this painful situation. I know an ear infection can lead to hearing damage if left untreated and that ear infections can really hurt too, but it is so hard to know your little baby is weeping with discomfort and an achy mouth, unable to nurse and unable to eat because of the pain and there is nothing you, his mother, can do about it. I am so angry with myself for not checking him out better and getting something to help him on Friday when this all began. He might have even started working on the thrush on Thursday, but I was busy fretting over the wretched polar bear dangling in the tree. I feel guilty about not being more patient and tender with him. I started crying when I sat down to write this, thinking about Baby A with open sores in his mouth and Baby B unhappy and unwilling being put in a car and being driven all over to cry at other people’s houses.

Both boys are sleeping now. The DH rocked my Baby B to sleep. He’s good like that – Baby B I mean. He is willing to be soothed and rocked to sleep if he must. Besides, he’s been nursing all day. But Baby A – he cried and screamed and cried for about an hour tonight, did not nurse, and eventually fell asleep next to me in his bed at 9:00 pm. Then he woke up at 1:00 am and cried pretty much non-stop until 3:15. We checked his temperature, which was 103.5, gave him Tylenol and the DH drove him around the block to get him to sleep. He knocked out at 4:00 am. Then he was up again crying at 5:15 am; we checked his temperature, it was only 98.8, so I rocked him to sleep for another hour. Now at 6:30am, they are both up and running. Poor Baby B is not getting the attention he needs, but what can I do? I am worried because Baby A is not breast-feeding, and has not nursed at all since lunchtime yesterday. He’s not eaten much at all either and has had only three wet diapers yesterday, instead of his usual six or seven. Were so concerned we actually gave him vanilla Breyer’s ice cream for dinner; using the logic it’s filling and cold and sweet enough to be tempting. Then he had half a juice box and wept to bed.

I have so many questions for that pediatrician today, such as: How long does it take to get rid of thrush? Is Baby B going to get infected as well? Now that they are off the amoxicillin, can I hope the infection will clear up on its own? Because his tongue is so painful he won’t let me look at it, let alone touch it, so how can I get any kind of medicinal drops on it? Am I going to get an infection as well, since he has done some nursing? And if I do, what can I use to keep the other baby from becoming thrushy too? And how am I going to manage when the DH is out of town for two days, starting tomorrow? I have a feeling there will be a lot of tears in this house without him, and they’ll be coming from all three of us.

George, what do you think we should do?