110% of happiness
Hello dear reader, thank you for the comment! I know what I have to do – eat, sleep, and exercise. Yes, I have done it. That is, on Monday, Tuesday and today I went to the gym but I really don’t feel any better. I just feel drained and overwhelmed by all these demands on me. Where are we going now? What are we going to do? When are we going to eat? What are we going to eat? Where are the socks/mittens/coats/cats? Where are my marbles? I can’t be the only one responsible for all this life! Why am I the one 110% in charge of everyone’s happiness? Do I have to be the one at fault for any mistakes? Or is that just the way it is?
Don’t any of you feel that this mothering gig is just way too much emotional effort for little to no return? When are they going to say "Thank you"? How old do they have to be to realize that I am making everything happen? How old do I have to be to give out? I mean, what is the good of all this sleepless drudgery? How much can you endlessly entertain and listen and talk and sing and dance and cook and clean and tidy and wash and fold and put away before you collapse in a frustrated heap at the feet of your messy, noisy, willful, ungrateful children?
Now I know why my mother dislikes her own children. She is just plain old sick of the sight of us all. She was a stay home mother for 12 years, and got completely burned out. Is the same thing going to happen to me?
I know there are mothers who think that being a “mommy” is just fantastic. They think that motherhood is so fulfilling and that their children are just the most amazing and delightful creatures on earth. They think that their husbands are perfect and their houses are dream-like, their friends are just so fabulous and supportive and understanding and on and on. I spoke with a mom like this at my school the other day. We wait in a gaggle in the hall, wait for the classroom doors to open and for our progeny to burst out and attack us. This one mother is hoping for her third child. I asked if that weren’t going to be a bit much to handle, three under age five, and she said, “Why? I just love having two children and I want another baby.”
Another mother is expecting her second in a few months and I tried to tell her how it can get so tough with two. She gave me a blank look and said, “Well I can’t see that it will be too different from having one.” Yet another mother, who has a six year old and a three year old said, “No, it won’t be too different. I have never felt overwhelmed or regretted having a second baby.” The pregnant lady was reassured. I was ashamed.
It all made me feel like some kind of freak. About a year and a half ago I wrote a post on how, in my own experience, with my own history and with lack of support I had at the time, I found it so amazingly challenging to just stay alive whilst nursing twins. I aslo wrote that it seemed no one understood me. Someone wrote an anonymous comment that basically said if I CHOSE to define myself in such a way that I suffered more than other mothers of twins, than yes, no one would understand me. I think she was commenting that if I said, “Woe is I! It is so much harder for me than anyone else!” I will alienate people and then yes, no one will understand, because no one will be listening. I am having a lot of those same feelings again – it’s harder for me to keep up with the boys and to stay above water than ever before.
For now, I no longer have anything to anticipate! Walking, weaning, eating at the table, going to school - it's happened. No longer do I have any excuses or reasons to believe it will get better! As soon as I meet some other mothers, as soon as it is summer/winter, as soon as we get through the hectic holiday season/the slow summer/the birthday madness - it's happened. No longer do I have a crutch to lean on! They are now two and a half. They go to school three days a week, for three hours a day. I belong to a gym. They are weaned and can sleep for ten hours straight. They can eat with forks and spoons and have a little group of friends to socialize with. We have three playgroups to choose from and people actually call me sometimes. So what is my excuse now? I see that life is going to be like this for years and years to come, and that makes me cry.
I am still fat, I am still tired, I am still overwhelmed, I am still frustrated, I am still depressed.
I don’t sleep with them every night, and I still toss and turn.
I have weaned them, and didn’t lose an ounce, let alone the ten pounds everyone said I would.
They are in school and I still can’t get jack done.
They don’t need me every second like they used to as infants, but I am still freaking worn out. I may still be tired from the illnesses we just recovered from. But isn’t that just another excuse?
The other day someone was over and saw my wedding picture. This guy said, “Wow. You have aged quite a bit.” The picture was taken a mere three and a half years ago. I look in the mirror and compare myself to that picture and I have to agree. In the wedding picture I could be twenty-five. In the mirror I could be forty-five. If I had know that having a baby or two would be so stressful, demanding, demeaning, messy, insulting, difficult, exhausting and headache inducing I would not have done it.
People ask me if I want any more children. “How about going for that girl?” they ask, with a smirk. I say, “I used to think I wanted three children – like the family I grew up with. Now that I have twins I realize - I want just one.” That always gets a laugh, but I mean it. The mother at the school door said she never regretted having her second child. I realize my remarks will alienate me from the rest of the world and therefore no one will listen, but I regret my first. I regret the loss of myself.
I lost myself before I even gave myself an opportunity to discover who I am. Now I won’t ever get that chance, unless I push my family away to get the space to explore. My parents did it to their children and I hated the experience. I won’t do the same to mine, so it’s me I give up on. I give up.
posted by Mother of Twins & More @ 10:44 PM
16 Comments:
Wow...I'm speechless. Perhaps because there is a disconnect from what I see when I chat with you in a playgroup as of late and what you just posted. Admittedly, it is incredibly difficult to speak of anything meaningful with children around, and they always around. So, I'm at least grateful you have this blog so I'm allowed a peek into your psyche.
I want you to know that I hear you my friend. I've always wanted three kids, but over the past few weeks I've come close to making an appointment to go and get an IUD. I can't fathom a third at this stage.
It's the complete reliance upon you as a woman to take care of everything that becomes so grueling. I find myself wishing someone would just whisk me away and take care of me for a change. For Christ's sake I have to do the taxes, pay the bills, raise the kids, cook, clean and be the sexy wife and patient mother. Can't I just take some time for myself?
It's understandable that there would be resentment. Still, I do cling to the idea that it will get easier, that there are still milestones to achieve - that there will be a time when I won't have to be relied upon so heavily and I can just take care of myself, go back to school, be selfish damnit!
Also, I don't know what to tell you about your body image. There's nothing I can say that will make you accept the woman looking back at you in the mirror. I should know since I suffer from the same perception. You've only be going to the gym for a few months. So, hang in there (but don't go hungry please).
Take care and know that we love you. And never fear that you'll alienate us with your honest feelings. That's what friends are for.
Eek Gad, I think Preacher Mom has officially rubbed off on me in terms of my sermon...I mean, comment length.
First: You are my dear friend and I love you regardless of how you feel about your children at any particular moment in your life with them. You have not alienated yourself from me by being honest, and I'm sure you haven't alienated yourself from The Yellow Wallpaper, either.
Second: DO NOT compare yourself to other people. I say this as one who compares myself all the time, knowing that such comparisons are useless and harmful to me. You are unique and valid just as you are. Everyone struggles and suffers in some way, so you are not a freak if you struggle and suffer; you are only doing so in a different way than those, apparently, blissful other mothers. I know someone who has chosen to have eight children. I think she is out of her mind, but it makes her happy!
Third: It's winter (seasonal affective disorder anyone?), your boys are two years old (often the very definition of parenting hell), and you and everyone you know has been sick for weeks on end -- of course you're feeling blue!
Fourth: You (like me) have chosen to attachment-parent (to the best of our abilities), which is a very demanding way to parent. You were overwhelmed nursing newborn twins because it is overwhelming to nurse, on demand, newborn twins! You have been tired because co-sleeping is demanding. My point is this: You have chosen, admirably, to be extremely physically and emotionally available to your children. Over time, this can take a toll.
Fifth: You have high expectations of yourself, so you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself in all areas of life. Is there some area that you can let go of for awhile, let get a bit messy, either literally or metaphorically?
Sixth: There is pharmaceutical help out there if you continue feeling "blue." I know you know this, but I just wanted to remind you.
Seventh: Know that I have written these things with love and care for you. As a minister, I discovered that one of the most powerful ways to "minister" is merely to be present to other people in their joys and sorrows. Often, we can't take another's burdens from them, but we can walk alongside them as they carry their load. Here I am: How can I help?
Man, oh man, MOT, where was this coming from? Like TYW and PM, I'm a bit at a loss here. I was going to comment on how freekin' FAB you were looking last Saturday -- all those guys flirting away with you, remember?! You were one hot mama, and that was so much fun! We should try to get out an party more, ALL mothers should! :-)
Now, back to the issue at hand, of course PM and TYW have said it better than me already! You are a GREAT mother, but your depression is worrying. It can be a totally thankless, backbreaking, exhausting chore being a full-time mother; anyone who says differently is lying or has a LOT of help. Look at me, the only reason I haven't gone batshit crazy with my two is b/c I've never done the ft-sahm for more than 9 months! You have ever right to feel miserable and burnt-out, so vent, exercise, and TRY NOT TO OBSESS about things. So what if you all eat Annie's M&C for a week? So what if there's cat fur on the rugs? Let the little things go, try to enjoy yourself and to celebrate your wonderful family. They may drive you crazy, but your boys (all 5 of them!) are fantastic little/big/furry guys.
As for "nothing to look forward to" just wait for the fun of potty training, learning to ride a bike, drawing, crafting, cooking with you, cutting each others hair... the list goes on and on! And for fun, let's teach them how to cuss in Italian and Polish!
Hang in there, MOT, and remember, when they are adults with their own kids YOU can help (or not LOL) with all of your great tips learned through the years.
Fiorentina
I am going to do something now that I know is taboo in blogland but I cant help it. Somewhere recently I read on someone's blog (therein lies the taboo because I cant remember whose, OK??) about an interview with Felicity Huffman in which she is asked about being a mother. I found the quote via Google and here it is, my apologies for whoever blogged it, excerpted from a 60 minutes interview with Leslie Stahl:
"In real life, she admits she is a harried mother. "Oh, yeah, I'm out of control. I spent yesterday out of control. I spent last night out of control," she says."
"Huffman has two little girls, but gives a surprising answer when asked if motherhood is the best experience in her life. "No, no, and I resent that question," Huffman says. "Because I think it puts women in an untenable position, because unless I say to you, 'Oh, Lesley, it's the best thing I've ever done with my whole life,' I'm considered a bad mother. And just when I said no you, you went back."
My point in sharing this is, THANK GOD someone finally admitted that it's not the best experience of her life. I am crazy, drooling nuts about my boys and I know I am a great Mom but for the love of God I am not JUST a Mom and sometimes I just want to be me again and not have to constantly subvert every thought, feeling, and desire I have to bend to the pressure of being a perfect Mom.
I feel like going on and on so I will stop here and blog this myself but know that you are NOT ALONE in your feeling and no it does not make you a bad person for feeling the way you do.
Hello there,
Two close friends had babies the same time as me (although just one and both their first). They didn't understand how much more work the second baby was and how it different it was (impact on mobility, sleep, etc). Of course, I still listened patiently when they had their second child a few years later and they told me how different and difficult it was with the second. Sigh.
My girls were not easy and all my friends only wanted to hear how great things were when I really needed to vent.
I like the honesty in your blog.
Have a good weekend!
I really understand how you are feeling. Parenting multiples can be totally demanding and draining. And there's only so long that you can postpone doing the things you want and need to do by yourself, or with your partner. It's easy to feel that you've lost your identity, except as "that twin mom", or in my case the mom of triplets.
Preacher Mom's post is right on! The work you are doing is very hard, and also very valuable. It's okay to feel depressed and lost at times.
But please don't conclude that you will always feel this way, and that it will not get any better. This stage too shall pass, and a lot of things get easier as the kids become a bit more independent.
I'm not just saying this to cheer you up! Life continues to be very busy and intense for me, but I have a lot more choices about how to spend my time, and our whole family has more freedom to do things outside the home.
I found 2 1/2 was a very hard stage. At our house I think that's when the "terrible twos" really kicked in. Actually I have often found difficult stages at the half-year mark, more so than at the birthday. 18 months was really hard (mommy burnout) and I was depressed, 2 1/2 was hard (terrible twos) , 3 1/2 was potty training hell... But actually 4 and 5 have been terrific years, absolutely delightful, with only minor problems. My biggest issue now is the sadness that we don't have toddlers or preschoolers any more, and that next year they'll be in school all day! And I might have to find something else to do with some of my time...
Please don't be hurt or offended if I suggest counselling, or another form of talking to a good listener. (Medical help is also great if you think you *might* be clinically depressed. Your doctor or counsellor can assess this with a short questionnaire.)
You could try taking some time for yourself, setting some new goals for you, trying to reclaim a piece of your own identity separate from being a mom. It might seem impossible, but even if you can get one night out every two weeks, that would give you something to look forward to, and an opportunity to pick up a favourite hobby, or spend more time with supportive friends.
Hang in there! You've survived so far, and you will get through this winter too. I hope that in a few weeks you will feel much more positive and in control of your life.
SheilaC
tripleblessings@sasktel.net
And another thing, who was the jerk, I mean guest, at your house who felt compelled to make such a comparison?
Let's see, a pampered young sweetie on her wedding day, (a day when lets face it you have had months of face, body and hair treatments done so you look your very best and everyone has been fawning all over you all morning) versus an only-just-recovering mom who has spent two weeks dealing with sick kids?
On what planet was that any kind of a fair contest?
I'm sorry, but what you are is very very very selfish. If all mothers were like you, the world wouldn't have any more babies. Maybe this is why american teenagers end up shooting other teenagers in school... I don't know... I'm a MOT and I think you should have thought about having children first. A lot! Some women are just not able...
I'm not normally an active blog commentator, but I just couldn't let that last anonymous one be the last one on your entry! I know your sister via the internet. (Does that make me sound like a freak or what?)
Hang in there. It will get better. It will get worse. You will feel skinny and beautiful. You will feel fat and old. The kids will make you cry with pure joy and love....then three seconds later they will make you cry with pure frustration and anger.
Life is full of bad things: parents die. kids get sick. jobs get lost. bodies get out of shape. houses get dirty. and so on and so on. I think it is so important to experience the bad and be honest about it.
Did you ever read "A Wrinkle in Time" by L'Engle? Do you remember the planet Camazotz? Where everyone was perfect and happy and loved their life and never experienced depression or pain? They had no soul....no identity. No one is perfect and happy all the time. When my life gets bad - I just think of Camazotz. Bad is better than that.
So hang in there - get help if you need it. I've got a 6 year old and a 3 year old and I'm just now learning to carve out time for myself. It is absolutely necessary.
And ignore the comment above mine. The desire to have a life of your own is not selfish.
Ok, Anonymous above K's post ... Well, I don't know what to say except you have a LOT of nerve. What a horrible thing to post. I shudder to think what the world would be like if all mothers were like YOU. Give MOT a break and save your cruel opinions for yourself. Sanctimonious PITA.
K!! xoxox sweetie! MOT, K's one of the MLMs so she TOTALLY ROCKS!!!
xoxo
YS
I think the "nasty" anonymous has a point. I am selfish, as are 110% of people in the world. This is why we are human - we desire a sense of self.
Yes, I did think about it, and A LOT, before I had children. But with all the lies perpetuated in our society about how motherhood is so great and how life with babies is so perfect, how could I *help* but feeling shocked and frustrated and overwhelemed that reality is not like those Parenting magazines?
I did not go through IVF, or take Clomid or anything - this is are my first babies and my first try at getting pregant on purpose. Yes, I know there are people who can't have children, but that has no bearing on my experience. Besides, if I *were* someone who went through a lot to have my two, would I *then* forfeit the right to ever feel unhappy?
Anonymous, I am not very very very selfish, I am a little bit selfish, a little bit depressed and very very very human. If all mothers were like me, there would be ONE HELL of a lot more babies, because mothers like me have twins!
As far as shooting each other - why put all the blame at the mothers' feet? Don't the *Daddies* have anything to do with how a child grows up?
See, people like YOU are part of the problem, trying to make me feel badly about wanting to be happy. Shame on you, naughty anonymous! You should have thought about posting a comment first. A lot!
I had a second child 8 months ago, and OMG! I thought one was hard, and it is in its own way, but NOT like this.
Today I had a very hard day. The kids were fine, but I was feeling a lot like how you described yourself. What is there to look forward to? Is this all there is? I am honest, maybe to a fault too, about how it is with two children. I cannot stand mothers who lie, because they ARE lying. Being a mom isn't easy; it's just not. I know you love your children; that is not the problem as I love mine with a fierce mommy love, but there are days when I have a hard time remembering who I used to be and feeling alone. It can be awful.
It will get better. I have clinical depression, and even when I didn't I found talking to someone helped. It doesn't have to be a professional, just someone who you feel won't judge you. You have to get these feelings out there, otherwise they may take over. Things have gotten better for me, and if they can for me, believe me, they can for you. I went through infertility, PPD, and the loss of my mom from breast cancer. PHEW! It will get better.
Thank you so much for being HONEST!!!
Oh no, MOT! It's been forever since we've seen you, and I dropped by to see if you were posting, and now I'm worried about you.
I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated, and I don't have any advice about anything since I have no idea if it gets better, and no idea what it's like with two, and no idea what else has been going on with you lately (sorry!).
I had never heard that motherhood was supposed to be some sort of perfect state, and it damn well isn't, and I don't think it should be. I hate to think of you lookng around at your life and wondering why it's not like that, when nobody else's is either.
My dear hubby made the comment the other day that motherhood has to be harder for women these days as the role is not defined the same way as it was for our mothers. Our expectations of ourselves run differently than simply being mothers---we want to be women too. Staying at home doesn't mean concentrating our interests around the interests of the home in the same way it used to, which is a hard spot to be in. Not that we aren't all committed mothers, but the commitment to ourselves as individuals is strong as well. I hope that makes sense.
Although, I hated to read it, I'm glad you posted all this. Are you feeling better? Keep writing until you get it all out, and if that doesn't do it, I can't imagine you would be afraid to ask for more help, but don't be afraid to ask for more help.
And, what is the deal with the mean-monster with the anonymous comment? Aargh! I'm happy to finish where s/he (it?) left off: Some women are just not able to... empathize or understand that everybody's experience is different and we all need to cry for help sometimes.
YW, PM, Fiorentina, Mommy Cakes, K, Anonymous, Sheila, Former Teacher and Joe's Mom -
Thank you all for your supportiveness!!! I am just tired, but all the time for some reason. I am going to see a new endocrinologist soon about my thyroid meds and I may see a shrink as well.
Yes - you all are right, I hide my blues pretty well, but I felt just too sad the other night to just cry and go to bed, so I let it out. I actually feel better for doing so - hey this blogging thing is kinda useful...
I have never posted a comment before (anywhere) but your post really spoke to me. If more women were honest about there feelings on motherhood maybe none of us would be so hard on ourselves. We all judge ourselves based on the perfect mommy images most women present to the world. Even those women at preschool pickup have these thoughts and days. I have many days where every little task feels like a marathon and I can't take another second of my girls bratty behavior, and sometimes I still want another child. I think those women just needed to preserve thier image of themselves as "good" mothers. I always wish I could take back any honest comment I have made about myself as a parent because of people like that who make you feel you are so far from the norm and that they and everyone else has it completely under control. It will get better, nothing can stay the same forever, they will be less needy and dependant someday. You may even miss this time when you look back at it, or you may not and thats o.k. too. Just take it one day at a time, one thing can go your way and change your perspective on everything. I hope this makes sense I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 4 yr. old competing for my attention every 30 seconds making me doubt my ability to put together a coherent thought. I just wanted you to know that I think that your honesty makes you a better mom, you put it out there and you can go on from there, I admire your courage. It's the guilt that really gets us if you were working at a bank and felt like you weren't a perfect loan officer you wouldn't let it get to you the way we all let the guilt of not being a perfect mommy get to us, myself included. Take care.
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