A bit about the 'Rents

I know I should not get all worked up over my parents' failings, just as they should know not to get all in a tizzy over my failings! It's just that with Great Auntie's death I felt an enormous regret at my not taking the trouble to go to England to see her before she died. I feel guilty, just like a good Catholic girl should be!

Great Aunt R was my link to an era, my link to my Grandmother (her twin) and a link to a more romantic time. She had such stories to tell! About living in The Sudan and in Egypt, about working for the French Embassy in Montreal, about dating an Arab sheik, riding camels in the Sahara Desert and going with her sister to visit their own personal tiger in the zoo. When I lived with my Aunts and Uncle and cousin in London I would go with Great Auntie on her shopping trips and carry her bags and listen to her stories and I thought it was just great. I'm angry because I'll miss her and I'm angry because I should have taken more time to be with her. Having twin babies was a bit of a challenge in planning a trip, but I should have risen to that challenge. I feel hurt and I feel regret. I'm sure death brings up those feeling for a lot of people.

About my parents - I just had a conversation w/ my Dear Seester, who pointed out all of what just happened should come as no surprise to me. Our parents have always been like this. She also pointed out that I could be reeeeeeely selfish too. Now, that I already knew! I try not to be, but it's a big challenge for me. My poor friends tell me I just rattle on and on about me, me me a bit more than necessary, and I'm sorry about that, girls!

My sister also reminded me that, in her experience, with having a six year old, my parents get better with the grandchildren as the grandchildren get older and more fun to be with. Now that I can easily understand. A screaming baby isn't exactly a picnic for anyone, and it's especially unappealing to non-baby loving types like my folks. Heck, I am not a generic baby lover myself - I wonder if that is a hereditary trait?

I am not making excuses for them not telling me about my dear Great Aunt, but I am explaining that this is very normal, and very typical behavior, and The DS is right - I should not let it bother me. All these tears are being shed on barren soil. And a foul result of me weeping for days and getting all hysterical is that I burst a lot of blood vessels under my eyes and now I look like I have been punched. And I am all puffy and gross on top of it; from the face rubbing that goes with boo-hooing excessively. I look atrocious and have been forced into wearing sunglasses inside. Gag.

By getting all stressed about them and getting all upset about behavior I really could predict, I am not doing anyone a favor, least of all myself. They think I hate them and they think that I feel they cannot do anything right. As a result, they get all nervous and behave idiotically, and as a result, they don't do anything right, they say idiotic things to annoy me and I get all mad. Yes, I am admitting my part of the problem. I don't hate them, I just hate being judged and ridiculed and criticized and that is what I feel they do. But they are my PARENTS!! They can't possibly intend to ridicule and torture me, can they? Gosh, I am very sensitive, more so since the babies exploded into my life, I know. Perhaps this admission of guilt is Step One of Twelve?

SO - this weekend I am going to have lunch with The Seester, the BIL, the children, the DH and The 'Rents. I swear, as God is my witness, that I will be open and stress-free and will laugh at my mother’s lame, oft-repeated jokes. I will also refrain from hovering over my twins too much, and if they get into mischief, I will repeat to myself - It's not my fault. They are just two. It's not my fault. I need not stress. What I hope to accomplish is two things. One - I hope to show my parents that I am not so cold and unforgiving as I might be, and that I understand having a child very like yourself is tough! Two - I hope to make our relationship easier. I hope to ease the pressure of mutual fault finding by not contributing my share of the poison. A bad relationship is hardly ever the nasty one and the innocent one. It is always give and take; two nasties getting nasty and two innocents getting burned.

Of course, if either of them says anything really horrible, or if my mother calls my children trolls, I'll be sooooo tempted to get horrible right back, but Golly, I am going to count to ten and think before I speak. Maybe I am too damn touchy. Maybe I am too damn selfish...or maybe I am just still too damn tired of the terrible twos.

Gee, MOT, self-analyze much? Well, that what a blog/journal is all about, right? Let's see what lunch on Saturday brings; let's see if they really are as afraid of me as the DS says. Meanwhile, to prepare for the being a kinder, gentler and more Lovable MOT, I'll be praying for the strength to keep my flipping trap shut and my evil mind open.

Whatta you think, George?