A Nutcase's Progress

Just today I got a comment on my last post that expressed the opinion “your a nutcase”. Naturally, I disagreed and wrote the anonymous a little comment back. It should have been written "you're a nutcase".

As y’all know I have been seeing a therapist for the past month or so. I have also been taking an extra Synthroid once a week to boost my levels of TSH. The extra pill just once a week might be enough, because thyroid hormone is cumulative in the body. It was a good idea, and I think both are therapies are working quite well. I also attribute some of my “feeling better” feelings to the flower essences, which I take about three times a day. Man, do I love my homeopathic remedies!

Talking therapy is proving quite interesting, in that Dr. Tell Me How You Feel About That agrees with some of my self assessments, but also points out some obvious issues that I have not been able to see. For example, I have a bit of a rocky relationship with my mother. Many of us do. I am quite similar to my mother in many ways; we both like to be in charge, we both like to feed people and give presents, we both like to keep order in our homes, we both feel we can’t relax unless everything is taken care of first. Man, that’s exhausting. However, unlike my mother, I can admit failure and show weakness and I can yell, “HEEEEELLLLLPPPP!” as I have done just recently. My poor mother is unable to show signs of failure, which is a bit of an emotional failure in itself, don’t you think?

So here I am, discussing my parental relationship with Dr. Tell Me How You Feel About That, and she says (these are not direct quotes), “Well, I see that you are here.” She holds her hand to the left. “And I see that your mother is over here.” She holds her hand to the right. “You are both inhabiting rather small spaces, and need more room to be happy. Through therapy and through talking and by admitting the need for assistance, you are increasing your space. Your mother seems not to be able to do that right now. But you shouldn’t worry about crossing over into her living space. There’s enough room for everyone.” We discussed this further, and then she said, “Don’t be afraid of turning into your mother. Your ability to be self aware already makes you your own person.”

I thought that was great advice. I can be like my mother, without being a clone of her. I can be my own person, and my own charming self, but still can hold an echo of my parent. I can be a nutcase if I want to be one, and can continue to have a terrific relationship with my children. I can be like my mother without having to be my mother.

There is a lot I admire in my parent; her strength for one. My mother left her home country, left her friends and her brother and mother and moved to Canada. She had just been married two years, had a year old baby and was pregnant with me. She set up a new home and then my parents decided to move again. This time she moved with a 2 year old, a six month old and she got pregnant with my brother in about six months of settling into her third house in as many years. Everyone who meets her says how charming and intelligent she is; it’s once you know her for years that you realize she’s pretty self-centered.

Gosh, it’s scary how alike we can be! Y’all might be saying, “Gee, we knew this all along,” but self-realization is a powerful thang…

As good as this therapy shtick is turning out to be, I am also going to have my blood tested for TSH in a week or so, and see the endocrinologist again. I really need to be aware of how exercise, emotional changes, hormones and life with little boys in general can affect my thyroid. I wonder if talking therapy has boosted my cortisol levels as well. As you know, the adrenal glands produce cortisol. When you are stressed or emotionally taxed or injured or sick for a long time, the adrenal glands get over worked and are unable to make enough cortisol. As a result, people get tired and depressed and sick more easily. Adrenal hormones also help maintain blood sugar. I might have had an overworked adrenal gland, from feeling stressed and anxious for the past few years. This would explain the dizzy spells and nervousness, and panic-y feelings.

The lovely endocrinologist is having all these levels tested. She is the first one to do so, and if her hunch is right - stress was making my thyroid work too hard, then she has my undying loyalty.

I will let y’all know about my blood-work, in the interest of science. It will be interesting to see how quickly one recovers quickly from these kinds of adrenal/thyroid imbalances. I’m enjoying not feeling super moody and I am really looking forward to not feeling dizzy.