My dear sister knows how I feel...
I just had a conversation with my dear sister about the weekend, cartoons and our mother dearest. She said that she, the DS, doesn’t get as mad at her, the MD, as she used to. She just pictures our MD alone in a new country, with three children under five, no friends, no play-dates, no park, no playground, no videos, hell, no TV, no parents, no grandparents (they were back in the old country), nothing to do. My Dear Sister always reminds me of what I really should know by now: do not to expect anything, like assistance, love or compassion from our mother, but know that she will surprise you on occasion. So, I don’t expect help anymore. I really really really don’t. But, on occasion, I will give the MD a chance to prove me wrong, and God bless me if she doesn’t prove me right.
Case in point: As y’all know, on Friday my DH went away for two nights and three days to a local lab to be the guinea pig for a new cholesterol medication. (Yes, he got paid for it.) He left in the early afternoon on Friday and was not due back until Sunday morning. I spoke with my sister on Wednesday last week, and we arranged to have a day at her house, with all family members accounted for, next weekend, when the DH returned. We had planned on having a get-together on the weekend when the DH was away, to help me out in my temporary single-parenthood, but we decided the combination on a road trip and no Daddy would be too much for the little tykes. Therefore, my DS and I settled on the following weekend for our family lunch. With me so far? So, on Thursday, D minus One, I called my mother to ask her a question, pass the time of day and basically just chat. You know, reach out and touch someone. Well, the touch slid off the woman like the hand of a drowning person on the hull of a sinking ship.
Me: Hi, Mumsie dearest! How are you?
MD: - yap yap yap – I got a ten minute monologue on the latest antics of the cat.
Me: Well, you know my DH is away for two nights and I am going to be all on my own and my MIL is not available, so I will be on my own for three whole days this weekend, which begins tomorrow. I spoke with the DS, and she would rather I not come over and stay with my boys and no DH, because it could get ugly. So, I will be all alone this weekend, staring tomorrow, for two whole nights.
MD: Oh. Hmmmmm.
Me: I guess I’ll see you next week then, at the DS’s house, when my DH is with me?
MD: Yes, yes! Your father and I will be there. This weekend is not good for us anyway; I have so much gardening to do, I will be busy busy busy both Saturday and Sunday all day…– Then I got a ten minute monologue on the newest flowering shrubs set to grace their property.
Me: Okay, well, have fun digging in the dirt. I’ll have fun all on my own with my two babies and no husband for two nights. It’ll be great fun, I am sure.
MD: Yes, it is fun to garden…Bye!
No, I was not hurt, because I really wasn’t expecting a different response, nor was I expecting an offer of a visit or an invitation to come over. I know she’ll never change. But I got to thinking, what is going to happen to her when she has driven away all her children and grandchildren, as well her friends? What is going to happen then?
I wonder if she’ll call me up and try to get me to come over and visit her in her loneliness. Will I be a big-hearted person, forgive her for all the slights and hurts she dishes out today and toss her a bone tomorrow? Or will I, in turn, just go on and on about the twins’ latest antics for ten minutes and then hang up on her as she does to me now? I wonder if the power dynamic will ever change. I know she never will.
My Dear Sister, in her wisdom, said I would figure that out later. I will know what to do if it ever happens. And again, she reminded me that, like our mother, I could be snobbish and elitist and annoying and demanding. She reminded me that when it comes to our mother I am very demanding – I want assistance, love or compassion, and our mother cannot, and will not, give it to me. So I become angry and upset, but why? Our mother has always acted this way, why do I expect anything different? Is it because I feel I am growing and changing and maturing, and therefore she can too? Is it because I have such a need for a mother’s support right now?
When the twins were infants it was difficult enough, and now that they are two times terrible two and taking over every part of my life and brain, I need my mother more than ever. I ask for help and I am rejected. I call and whine a little and she hangs up. I do my best to be a grown-up and be big about it all and not be hurt, but I feel it a little, I must confess, I do. The DS says it’s my fault for having high expectations; she is right and I know she is right. But I am like a mosquito; the insect knows she will get swatted if she bites, and she understands that biting is painful and itchy, but she bites anyway, because she doesn’t have any other way of getting what she needs. My mother hears me on the phone and can’t wait to get off the line. Maybe she thinks I really am a mosquito, and am out for blood.
posted by Mother of Twins & More @ 1:40 PM
2 Comments:
Ouch. I know how much it hurts to want something from someone who can't give it to you, and how hard it is to stop wanting it! I was in a three-year "I-can-give-you-what-you-want-I-can't-give-you-what-you-want, on-again/off-again romantic relationship at one time. I finally "got it" when I said to him, "You're just not willing to do what it takes," and he replied, sadly, "No, I'm just not able." For some reason, I heard him that time. That was years ago. (By the way, I believe he's still single, whereas I've been married for 11 years; it seems he was telling the truth about not "being able"!) Of course, he and I could break up and never see each other again, whereas your mother is your mother is your mother forever and always, which is a much trickier situation to manage. The best advice I can give (not that you're asking for my advice, but . . .) is to have compassion for yourself, first -- it may take you a long time to change how you interact with your mother -- and then to try to have compassion for her -- she has a story, too, most likely one filled with a lot of pain, and she probably is doing the best she is capable of doing, which, granted, isn't good enough in this case. Compassion seems to be miraculous; somehow, it dissolves pain and distress, at least over time, and has the power to make things new.
I struggle with what advice I can give you when I too can have difficulty letting things go. Unfortunately, it is a very slow process.
I’m going to agree with your sister to a certain extent. If you don't lower your expectations, you will only continue to hurt yourself. I’d like to go back to your analogy about the mosquito, which goes back because she doesn’t have any other way of getting what she needs. You’ve already realized that your Mom can’t provide what you are searching for; so, you need to find a way to address that desire. I’m reminded of people who repeatedly diet and fail because ultimately, no one wants to live in a state of denial. You are always left with that craving that gnaws away in the night. So, along with lowering your expectations, perhaps you should consider taking up another activity that challenges you. For example, I’ve taken equestrian and painting classes in the past to get over a “craving.” I’ve also relied on friends a lot to help through tough times. By keeping my mind engaged and appreciating the love and support that I do receive from others, I keep a balance and as a result I’m more able to release those toxic experiences. (And man, do I feel it when life it out of balance!) So, take a break from your Mom; give her space. And find a healthy way to address that craving inside.
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