Nip in the bud? What about pruning a full grown blossom?
Today I had a discussion with the stay home daddy of my playgroup on the subject of biting and hitting, my latest obsessions. I let him know that if, at any time, he saw one of my boys biting or hitting another child, he was to feel free to clamp down on my boy, whether his child was the object of abuse or not. My tack now is to remove the biter/hitter from the child they have injured and set him down for a time-out, back to the group, so he gets that awful left-out feeling as punishment. I hope it’s not too traumatic, but I must stop them from being violent.
I was glad to see this worked very well yesterday. Baby A clamped his teeth down on the naked tender shoulder of a little one-year old. The one-year old was pretty exposed, being shirtless and all, sweet, pink baby skin in the sunshine. Baby A bit him when this baby tried to climb onto the rocking horse Baby A was enjoying. Now I can understand why he would want to bite him; one, the baby was cramping my boy’s style by climbing onto the toy he had first and two, the baby was just so yummy looking, but I cannot condone it. Therefore, I picked Baby A up and said, “Do not bite babies! You are being bad!” I put him down, with his back to the group, and stood aside. Baby A extended his arms to the side, clenched his fists and shook them before him as he yowled in rage and frustration. He was clearly thinking, “That baby was pushing me! I was just defending myself! What the hell, man?!” I didn’t leave him in the time-out for too long, but scooped him up and took him to play elsewhere. He did not bite another child the rest of the afternoon.
Today, however, I think he might have chomped down on a little boy’s hand; I am not sure. I did not institute any time-outs; I didn’t see a bite and I am not sure what went down. But there was some crying and some incoherent accusations made by a two year old, and Baby A was in the thick of it. I immediately thought, “Oh, he bit someone,” which might have been unfair of me, and might have been an unjust thought, but I am unhappily used to him biting by now. This was the instance that prompted the discussion with the stay home daddy.
I told this friend how much trouble it causes me, emotionally and mentally, to have a biter for a child. He agreed it must be difficult and said, ‘You need to nip this sort of thing in the bud.” That made me laugh a little as I cringed a little; this biting thing has gone past the bud stage, it’s in full bloom. I don’t need to nip anything; I need to prune this wild underbrush behavior before the kudzu of violence gets me banned from my playgroups completely.
So that’s what I am trying to do, uproot the biting tendencies from the gardens of my children. Any tips? Does anyone have a weed-wacker? Or should I use Round-Up? George, any thoughts?
posted by Mother of Twins & More @ 4:07 PM
6 Comments:
What worked for us on biting (which probably won't work for anyone but us, the world being what it is...) was to *not* punish the biter...but instead immediately lavish innordinate attention on the child who was bit.
"Oh, you poor thing! Did D. bite you? That is awful. Biting is bad - I'm so sorry you got bit. It hurts, doesn't it? Would you like some ice? Or an Elmo Band Aid? Come here, climb into my lap. Would you like me to read you a story? How about a few kisses? A big hug? Perhaps a chocolate chip cookie?" ....and so on.
We would simply give D. "the look" but would not punish, and would not give him any attention whatsoever.
Our theory was he was biting for attention. And it panned out. He knew biting was bad - he didn't need us to tell him that. But as soon as he bit, we dropped whatever we were doing to pay him attention.
Once he stopped getting the attention, he stopped biting.
Again, just because it worked on our attention starved two year old, doesn't mean it would work on anyone else, but for us, it worked.
Good luck....
Ya know, I have heard that attention theory from other mothers too. I just forgot about it. Thanks for reminding me!
I think that's why the time-out works; the biter gets ignored...
I'm not sure of the ignore/lavish technique would work for you since the biting seems be yielded more like a defensive weapon then a call for attention. I know this 'cuz my little girl has brought out the "big gums" (har-har) on a number of occasions.
I think you are on the right track with time outs. I know that they really had an impact on my Little M. No, this doesn't mean she's always perfect. But, it certainly has let me enjoy playgroups a lot more.
She receives a time out for any violent behavior: hitting, pushing, biting, etc. I try not to say anything to her except the basic facts: "No hitting...You are now going into time out." Now that she's older, I also make apologize afterwards. And generally it is a minute for every year of her age.
I was thinkin' about your situation as well, having twins. I know they do get physical with each other and I think there will need to be consistency. They shouldn't be allowed to hit, bit, push each other either. I think if you aren't consistent, it will lead to confusion.
It will be certainly be difficult at first, entailing lots and lots of crying and testing. (Man, oh, man, would Little M test to find out what she could get away with) But, in the end it will get better.
You've heard me say it before, but I do think that this is one of the toughest ages and to have to balance two beautiful boys is a task I can't even imagine. Hang in there...You are doing a great job!
Just a thought--ask your baby how it feels to hit another child to get him to focus on his inner states (where maturity comes from) rather than resort to external punishments. That good/bad dichotomy is what sends us all into therapy as adults!
When my son was that age, he bit because he like the commotion it caused. The victim screams, parents scream and yell, chaos commences. He never cared that he might get a time out or a swat on the butt. I guess the punishment was worth the crime.... He is 3 1/2 now and will still do it every so often to hear whoever (usually his older sister) scream and squeal. Plus at your guys age, they are still learning how to say "step off dude, I am using the toy at this moment, but would be glad to hand it over when I am done" instead of clamping down on the offending party....
As a mother of twin boys, who will celebrate their third birthday this month I went through the biting stage. However, it was short lived and I think my tactic may have worked. The biter was punished immediately, through the form of time-out. If you do use time-out it works very well, just be consistent. Trust me, the biting almost instantly vanished. Each time he/she bites, bite back with time out! Good Luck!
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