When Sally met Sally, and turned her down.

I had a conversation with my pal Silver the other day on the old subject of flirting and friendship between the sexes. We discussioned what constitutes flirting, and whether straight girls flirt with each other. We talked about what happens when a flirty type just acts natural, that is flirts, if it really means anything. And if those flirty type are married, are they emotionally cheating?

She said, “If a man flirts with me, it’s because he wants to get busy. If he’s a married man then that’s wrong, end of story, there’s no in between.” I had to point out that men find her distracting because she’s so gorgeous, but I suppose that’s no excuse. I said I have men friends, and married men friends, who flirt with me and with whom I flirt a little, but it’s not because we want to get busy, it’s just that we enjoy joking around. She said, “Well, if a man flirts with me and he’s married, I feel he’s cheating emotionally, and the marriage is in trouble.” I am not totally sure about that either; I don’t think it’s always an indication of a marriage in trouble. There are men who talk with me in an animated way, who may pat me on the arm, or give me a hug or what-not, but I really, really don’t think it’s because they have designs on my tired ol’ body. However, I know some women with designs in mind...

There was one particular woman I knew from my heyday in New York, a definite flirt and who definitely flirted with me in a “let’s get busy” kind of way. Admittedly, I was attracted to her too back then - let’s call her Roxy. There was a sort of casual self-consciousness about her that got a lot if people interested. She also dressed well and had that New York brashness that can be a lot of fun. But that was in 1995, when I was completely hedonistic and totally irresponsible a decade ago. When I got a call from her last year I thought things might have changed; we are both a wee bit older. I agreed to drive up and visit her at her country cottage and I brought my then 7-month-old twins with me. I really don’t know what she had expected to happen, but I know now she had something definite in mind.

We showed up at the house, it was about an hour and a half drive, and she was not there. She’d left a note on the door, saying back soon or something, so I parked a little away from the cottage, not wanting to block the driveway. When she pulled up, with her dog and all the groceries for lunch in the car, I was sitting on a patch of grass with my two infants, a blanket and a bag of baby paraphernalia. She was just as pretty, a bit plumper and now was a redhead instead of a brunette. She had the ubiquitous khaki pants and the oh-so au courant paisley shirt on, and these cool paisley flip-flops. She walked into her house and called out, “Well, hi there! I want to get the food in the fridge, so come on in!” Right away I could tell she was clueless about babies, and clueless about twins. So I struggled with the boys (who were crawling at that stage but not much else) and the bag and the blanket and the photo album I had brought as a gift into her house, and collapsed. Right away she put on this loud music and started making lunch, talking up a storm. The boys were very interested in her cottage and staggered like drunks around her living room. I got the coffee table arranged so they didn’t knock themselves unconscious, and I also took the precaution of putting a few of the more breakable things up on the bookcase. Roxy gave me a lingering hug and we cooked and then ate lunch.

It sounds simple, but if you add up a long drive, a large dog, two crawling babies, a stressed out new mother, loud music, a hot day and a very flirtatious hostess, it equals a bit of uneasiness. It’s not as if I was offended by her comments; “oh, you are still so cute and still so attractive,” and "you were such a great cook, but then most sensual people are good with food," and “I remember how much fun we used to have in New York, we can still have fun now, right?” and “I wonder why we never had a torrid affair?” it’s more like I was still unused to having twins and I was just so tired in those days.

We went for a walk; each of us with a baby in a sling, and only Baby B fell asleep. We settled him on the sofa to nap and played with Baby A and got him to eat a bit, and then I just had to leave. The music was giving me a headache (I should have just asked her to turn it off, but I wasn't thinking clearly) and Roxy's suggestions that we all lie down a bit did make me a smidgen uneasy. So I got the boys into the car, packed up my bits and pieces and waved bye-bye as I drove away.

I have never heard from her again.

At first I imagined she thought it was just too much bother dealing with the twins, and that she might want to wait until they are older before getting together again. Hell, my own mother doesn’t want to be bothered with my boys and they are a part of her family. Then I thought, she is too busy – she travels a lot for work and is out of town for weeks at a time. Then I thought, maybe I offended her by not complimenting the lunch/her house/her dog/the lemonade she served sufficiently. But then, a few weeks later, I had another thought.

Perhaps Roxy was really offended by my disregard of her passes. I know she doesn’t have a lot of friends with children. If she had she would have realized trying to arrange a seductive stage while there are 2 seven-month-olds crawling all over the set is not going to work. I am not indicating I would have been available for seduction, no; I would have turned her down even without the boys around. But Jeez Louise, at seven-months my infant twins acted as a damper for me and my lovely husband, to whom I am wildly attracted. I think I have not heard from her again because she was angry and hurt at being rejected.

I called her a few times and left messages, but I didn't say anything about the fact that her pass fell flat. I just tried to be friendly and light and invited her to come over and have lunch at my place, where the babies would be more at ease and less distracting. No reply. I called and wished her well over Christmas, but no reply. Then I left her a message asking if I offended her and to call if I had, but guess what? No reply.

Hey, just because I don’t want to get busy, it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Or does it? Silver would say that that kind of flirting muddies the watering hole of friendship much too much to make a “just pals” swim possible. Silver would also say that I really can’t expect Roxy to want to be a little friend if she really wants a little action. I wonder. Can a gay woman and a straight woman be friends, or is it like the man/woman friendship/flirting thing? What about a gay man and a straight man? And, for that matter, what about two flirty men? Roxy would be able to tell me, but since she is clearly planning on never speaking with me again, I guess I’ll never know.