How to get by. (and yes, some of this is made up.)

Things I have learned in the past 13 months, two weeks and four days

Are you wondering how you can get 13 month, two week and four day old twin toddlers to eat a balanced meal? Simple! Just spill the food on the floor, fake sweeping and watch as they gobble it up!

Are you wondering if “self-soothing” is good or bad? I am still not sure if my babies can “self-soothe”, but it's great for me! I turn on Fine Arts Radio and sing made up words to Italian Operas and Mozart’s Queen of the Night aria. Or I eat lots of chocolate. Or I do both. It soothes me every time!

Are you wondering how to get by an entire 13-hour workday on no sleep the night before? Your answer – coffee! Brew it up, nice and strong, and pour it into the left over milk from your cereal. That way it’s pre-sweetened and you have one fewer pieces of china to put in the already bursting dishwasher. Drink it up, girl! Don’t forget to refill the pot as soon as it’s empty, then there’s no wait when you need another hit.

Are you wondering how to get your twin babies to sleep and to get some sleep yourself when they won’t sleep unless they are actually attached to the boob? Try this! Prop yourself with about seven pillows, and lie semi recumbent and hold each baby along an arm. Sure, you wake up feeling as if you were clubbed with a bat from not moving an inch for hours, but hey! They slept! Yes, Virginia, co-sleeping with twins is not all it’s cracked up to be….

Are you wondering how to Get Something Done amidst the endless minutiae of mothering? Be sure you always bring your knitting/book/lap top along in car as you drive from donut shop to errand to donut shop to grocery store to donut shop and drink the afore-mentioned many coffees. Then you can type/knit/read in parking lots once they have drifted off. Too bad about burning all that fossil fuel, but one does what one must, right?

Are you wondering how to maintain a clean bathroom/kitchen/house? The answer is clear! Hire somebody else to do it for you. Barring that, you can always just pretend the mess doesn’t exist.

Are you wondering how to keep a pair of babies occupied while you scurry around trying to pick up some of the clutter you cannot just pretend doesn’t exist for one more minute? Stick pieces of non-shredding cloth surgical tape, in non-choking hazard lengths, like 5 inches, to their pudgy hands. It’ll take them at least 10 minutes to get the tape off both hands, buying you a few minutes of frenzied productivity, when you can clean the afore-mentioned balanced meal leftovers from the floor. Developmental bonus! This will also help them work on that pincer grasp thing.

Are you wondering how to get rid of your baby’s eczema? The solution is plastic wrap! (That is if your baby has the kind of eczema that gets better with summer / hot humid weather.) Just apply the doctor prescribed cream, wrap the area in plastic, secure with a little bit of the previously mentioned non-shredding cloth surgical tape, slip on his clothes and let him go! After a day of gently sweating under the plastic, the skin will be peachy pink and smooth as, well, the baby’s bottom, for want of a more eloquent analogy. Of course, one must be sensible in this endeavor; it would not be wise to plastic wrap a baby whose cheeks or neck are affected, duh.

Are you wondering what the hell that painful, tingly, white nipple thing could be? It’s called vasoconstriction, and happens to a lot of nursing mamas. The solution? A hot washcloth (or flannel for us ex-pats) will immediately bring relief to the area. Also, the longer you nurse, the less painful it becomes. After 13 months, two weeks and four days, I still get the blanching, but without the pain.

Are you wondering how you can possibly save a few minutes in the morning? You know, that difficult, trying hour right after the DH leaves for his necessary but wish he could be home all day job, when the babies need changing and dressing and when you need to eat something, drink your coffee, go to the bathroom, get yourself dressed and nurse the boys all at the same time. Plan ahead! I do laundry when the boys are amusing themselves by fighting over who gets to hold the dish scrubbing brush, or when they are chasing each other from kitchen to play room and back again – shrieking wildly so I know they are happy and safe. When I fold the clothes, I fold a shirt, a Gerber brand name Onesie and a pair of socks into a pair of pants/overalls. That way you can simply grab a bundle and know you have a coordinating outfit for the day.

Are you wondering how to nurse two at once without them killing each other or poking each other’s eyes out? Try this! Sit cross-legged on floor, sit each baby on a knee facing out, and not front, back to back, so they can’t see each other. Then they will concentrate on the business at hand and won’t goof around trying to shove each other off the boob. (Or, as one of mine does, try to hog both nipples for himself.) I have never seen anyone else nurse her twins like this, but works for me.

Are you wondering how to deal with crippling loneliness, solitude and the feeling of being ignored by the world around you? Put an ad in the paper! Be vague; advertise For Sale, $500, runs good. Just see how many people call! You can tell them it’s a blender, a vacuum cleaner, a weed wacker, whatever you fancy. But you’ll have phone calls to make you feel wanted and can trap the people on the line nattering about this, that and t’other for as long as you like – they called you! I placed an ad for a mother’s helper; my teenaged babysitter abandoned me. I had about 35 responses, and have hired a lady who has an eight-year-old boy in school all day. She needs something little to do for a few days for a few hours – just what I need. She’s seems very nice, her references were glowing and I hope we can get some chatting in amidst the feeding/changing/diapering/bathing/baby chasing/walking/errand running. I am still feeling lonely.

Are you wondering how much trouble a little baby can possibly cause? I have learned, in the past 13 months, two weeks and four days, that a baby who has been absolutely silent whilst in the bathroom for ten minutes is definitely up to no good. If I could make a link I'd show y'all a picture of Twin A completely wrapped in toilet paper sitting on the bathroom floor. He thought it was GREAT fun! Also, a baby, who had been sitting the study, in total silence, is most definitely up to no good. I have learned that yes, a baby can eat most of a paperbacked novel and not get sick. The book on the other hand, is rendered illegible by the drool.

Also have learned that I am pretty smart! I can do those puzzles, (you know with cow, dog and sheep with wooden handles?) much faster than the twins can, and they were designed for them, not for me!

Oh, and one more valuable lesson I have learned since becoming a depressed mama of twin boys – do not buy Halloween candy a week before hand to have it in stock like you usually do. You will find it and eat it and have to go out and buy more before your DH notices and says – “Jesus. You ate a whole bag of fun sized Peanut butter Cups AND a whole bag of fun sized Kit Kat and didn’t save me ONE?” However, the plus side to eating your way back into a plus size is that when the baby smacks your hand holding a spoon full of pureed banana towards him and goes all over, including on the walls and your was clean tee shirt, you tend to think it’s funny. I think it’s called being high.

So you know I'm still here...

Just a snippet for my jonesings groupies, heh heh.

Once the boys are asleep, at 9:30 or so, my DH goes downstairs to our TV room to watch what he refers to as The Game. The other night both babies were asleep at the same time (yes, Virginia, miracles do happen) and I took my knitting downstairs to join him. Guess what he was watching? Not the Raiders, not the Red Sox, not Home Improvement.

“What the hell is this?” I asked.

Oh!” he said, “This is really interesting! It’s a show called The Swan…”

Less hair means I have less on my mind

Well, after thinking about it and thinking about it and and thinking about it and talking about it too, I finally had my shoulder length hair with bangs hair cut off. Yep, it's little boy short, and I have to make an appointment to go back and have it cut even shorter. I feel much better without all that hair getting in my way. I had forgotten how cool it is not to have hair and also I had forgotten just how thick my hair really is. When it was long the weight of it kept it smooth. Short/short it sticks straight up in the air. I have gone back to Dax Wax to keep it somewhat under control. My brother has the same sort of hair, thick and way, and he uses Bryll Creem to slick his hair back a la Sean Connery’s James Bond in Goldfinger. It's pretty groovy.


Less hair means less weight on my brain, and I really need to have less on my mind. I have been getting those attacks of the Mean Reds again. There is a blog I read, Human Oddities and Mishaps (see link on the sidebar) by this neato chica, who just had a post about her DH, she calls him Rainman, and how he made a snippy remark about her “not working”. That has been preying on me lately too. Staying at home all day with my babies, feeding/changig/playing/teaching/chasing all day long. Is that “work” or not? What if I got an outside the homw jobbette? Could I trust another person to care for my pumpkins without wanting to kill them? Or actually do it? There are days/nights/weeks when if I don’t kill myself it’s a bloody miracle. How could someone who doesn’t think they are the cutest, sweetest, most intelligent and darling beings in the world be able to suppress the murderous urge as effectively as I can?

In a past life, I was a makeup artist for Lancome. I am considering getting a seasonal/holiday job at a make up counter this Christmas, but am not sure how it would work out with the DH coming home at 5:30 most days, and the shift starting at 5:00. Would I to Heaven had someone dependable to come over at 4:30 every day to take care of them until the DH turned up. Maybe I’ll see if there’s some job I could have from 6:00 to whenever; but then what about bedtime? They LOVE their night time nursing, and the DH has told me horror stories of them crying and wailing and gnashing their teeth as they crawl around the house looking for me on those nights I am at the Twin Mother Club meetings, and am not home at the critical hour.


I think I would like to “work” a little; I am feeling the constriction of being home ALL THE TIME. Oh, sure I have my lovely playgroup – thank you WL!!! – and I have the museum to visit, Ikea to play in and we do like our walks. But there is nothing that I must do, nothing to do that is scheduled, and must be done or else. Some may say the laundry/shopping/house tidying/putting things away must be done, but I contend that all those house hold “essentials” will damn well be there when I have finished nursing/changing the diapers/settling the baby for a nap. It’s just nicer when the house is neat and the clothes are clean. As far as meals go – Hell, you can always go to Ikea and eat meatballs for 99 cents. Didja know they also sell baby-food in the café?

Maybe I’ll go work at Ikea. I’m there all the time anyway and they may be hiring seasonally. If they offer a discount to employees too....hmmm...

Oh, the ideas that occur to the person with less on the brain. I should have cut my hair off sooner. The next time I have an attack of depression and just can’t THINK, I’m going to go to the garage, get out the clippers and simply free my mind. I’ll just have to be careful not to cut off an ear. With no hair, having only one ear would look a little weird.

Random Thoughts...Part Three

Briefly on planning your day(s) ----EDITED

When one is making plans with someone to meet up, one usually makes the plan for a certain time, say, one o’clock for lunch. This we all know. When one is making plans to meet someone when there is a baby involved, one needs to make the time a bit more vague, say, sometime between twelve and two for lunch.

When one is making plans and there are twins involved, the timeline is more like that of a cable company letting the client know when the repair man will be at the house, you know, the six hour window. Ever tried putting two little people who can't really walk into carseats by yourself? And carry the diaper bag and the umbrella and the essential travel mug of coffee all at the same time? Mothers of twins know what I mean. I now can open the car door with my foot.

Through this blog I have heard from a few mothers of triplets. They would probably tell me that when there are triplets involved, plans made must be rather flexible, to allow the get-together to span a couple of days. Sometimes I think what it would be like if I had carried all three babies to term, then I don’t think about it anymore. I’m not strong enough.

Edit --- It just occurred to me that perhaps there are mothers out there who have read this nattering and thought, "Well, hey now! My two/three/four/etc are only 10/11/12/13/etc months apart! I had a newborn AND a little one who could not walk, or speak, and who was still in diapers too! Who the hell does this MOT think she is, with her Twin Mamas have it so hard, and have to hop up and down on one foot whilst holding two squalling infants, and open the car door with a foot? I have done just the same thing, and since I live in San Francisco, I had to do it on a 45 degree hill!" To this invented/made up/imagined lady out there, I meant no offense and beg to be allowed to apologize.

Random Thoughts...Part Two

Briefly on cats’ claws

I take care of 96 nails. Twenty for each baby, twenty for me and each cat has 18. It seems as if I must be careful at every turn, sharp little talons are everywhere! I must take care not to let the babies scratch me, (their nails grow so quickly!) and they like to pinch me while they nurse. It can be pretty annoying.

Every now and then I think – “I need to stop nursing them, this pinching and scratching is getting irritating.” But then I think – “What a selfish thought! How can I deprive my babies of nourishment and love and security just because they occasionally pinch and scratch me? Poor fellas!” Then, two minutes later, they are at it again, scraping their nails across my décolletage, and gouging into my fat rolls, and since both of my hands are busy holding them up and supporting their heads and holding my magazine, or the phone, I don’t have a hand free to defend myself, and I’m thinking of weaning them again. Yep – something else I am conflicted about.

I must also protect the babies from being swiped by the cats. I keep their claws clipped short. My black cat simply gets up and leaves the room if they pester him too much, he can be pretty intelligent. My white cat is not always so intelligent, but he is extremely patient and kind and lets the boys yank on him much harder than I ever would. However, sometimes they get him wrong, or pull on his tail, and he growls and raises a paw with claws out, as if to remind them he is armed and dangerous. He has yet to actually swipe, but I keep the claws trimmed closely to minimize any potential damage.

My own nails are short these days. Thanks to the pre/post natal vitamins I am still popping, my claws grow very fast, and I cut them down practically every other week. I may give up on me, and just go back to long nails, as I had for years and years. They can be quite useful, at times. For example, I could have used a nice long fingernail or two to peel a sticker (read: choking hazard) off one of the two thousand toys they received for their birthday. As it was, I just nibbled on the toy until my saliva softened the sticker enough to be rubbed off with my fingers. The babies watched me with these bewildered expressions that clearly said – “Well, hey! If you can chew on the toy and eat the sticker, why can’t we?” Sorry babies. Life ain’t fair.

All these nails. It’s rather like painting the George Washington Bridge by oneself, with a bucket and a brush. Even before the job is done, it’s time to start again.

Random thoughts...Part One

Breifly on Toddlers

My twins are becoming toddlers. They are just starting to walk, one baby just a few days ago. It’s very exciting to see them taking those first steps, but my goodness! They keep crashing; one of them almost always on his face.

The other evening, My Face-Plant baby was a bit tired and went down three times in a row. The first time he did a sort of slide/crash and landed on his mouth. He wept and bled a bit - he had cut his top lip left with his little teeth. I kissed him and had him suck on an ice cube; the blood stopped flowing and off he went. Toddle toddle toddle. Not even TWO minutes later, he fell again, cutting top lip right with his bottom teeth. More ice, more kisses, a little nursing and off he went. By the time my DH came home from work, around 5:30 or so, he was back to crawling. He does this funny one leg sweep crawl thing, he’s good at it, and goes a mile a minute, but that night he got tangled in his own feet and AGAIN! Face plant! This time he cut the lower lip on his top teeth. My poor little scrumptious was so swollen he looked like an aging Hollywood starlet after one too many collagen injections.

Lawks-a-Missy...do that many people read my blog?

What a lot of comments that last post provoked! I had not checked in with my blog in a few days. What with going out on Friday night and taking the weekend to garden, I just looked at it for the first time in several days last night. (I had the playgroup (the one I crashed, and then officially joined) meet at my house on Monday, to make me look less like a hanger on and more like someone who’s supposed to be there. I spent the weekend tidying up the garden, in case the weather permitted outdoor frolicking, and did some baking in preparation. I put too much lemon oil in the damn pound cake, so it was too intensely lemony, and then I over-baked it, because I was busy moving the peonies, so it was a little bitter as well as being too intensely lemony. No-one remarked on it, so maybe it slid past the culinary radar. Or perhaps the other mamas merely thought – “Hey! Pound cake!” and didn’t stop to analyze each bite as they chomped down a slice as fast as they could and went back to chasing their offspring. The group meets at 9:30 on Mondays; I used to think it was an odd time to have a play group. Wouldn’t 2:30 on a Wednesday be better? You know, middle of the week hump, the weekend is still mighty far away and the days are getting endless? However, now that I have had a turn as hostess, I realize first thing Monday morning is MUCH better. This way one can take the weekend to scurry around, tidying, vacuuming and baking, making the house as neat as one would wish it to be all the time. On the day, when the other mamas commented how tidy everything was, I was able to demur – “Oh, well, I just like a neat house, it’s not that organized…” whilst mentally petting myself for getting away with pretending I’m sooo with it.)

At any rate – all those comments! Thank you all for the feedback and for the nice remarks and the support! I do appreciate it. However, I am not going to alter my profile again, I do think I was a bit overly woe-is-me and it was way too long. No, if someone wants to know what I’m about, they should read the blog, which what is happening, apparently.

I agree with suggestion to take more “me” time. I did go see a movie last week, and, for the first time, I had the baby sitter watch the boys on her own. Baby steps for me, but progress is progress. (Of course, I broke the land speed record getting home, but that’s another post, involving a skillful two-wheeled turn onto a highway ramp, and other adventures. No, I’m kidding! ) To the lady who pointed out that the incessant pumping of breast-milk adds to the feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated and depressed…well, if I’d known THAT…

Also, in many another comments, I read that I shouldn’t feel bad about guzzling the java; must needs and all that. Well, okay, if y’all insist. My favorite is Toffee Nut Latte, no whip and skim milk, please! (Wow – that Momotrips is tough. She can drink a Venti! A Grande is my limit.)

However, the best part of all the comments was the unmasking of the original anonymous as a lady with a name, and to read that someone else has the same wacky thoughts I do. Yes, I too have thought that I could be friends with some of the people I have met on line, through their blogs and through mine. Yes, I too have wanted to give out/get a phone number and wanted to start a chitchat thing with someone who I felt would/could/should understand me. Besides, there is never enough time to type out all you could say in a phone call, or over lunch, or even over – gasp! – an extra large cup of coffee. The Mother of Multiples Club, to which I belong, is a group of acquaintances, I am not surprised to report. There is one lady I relate to, or think I could relate to, but her twins are just five months old, and she has a two year old at home as well. I don’t think she’s ready to socialize yet. What are we going to do with four infants and a toddler and only two hands each?

I totally agree with the poster who commented – MOT, you need to get out and make more friends. Duh, yeah! I can’t stay home all day – I really will crack up. I still take long walks, almost on a daily basis, with the boys in the double jogging stroller, but still alone. There was a lady I walked with a few times, but my babies “schedule” is pretty unpredictable. I don’t like to taken them out if they’re not in the mood. I can’t carry them both anymore. The playgroup I crashed has several intelligent, funky and interesting mamas with whom I would love to socialize, but I do think they would be a bit overwhelmed by my twins and their excessive neediness. It’s hard to talk/think/breathe with two babies swarming all over at any given time. And as a nursing mama, (yes, I know I am lucky to be able to do it, no bragging intended) I am liable to expose a boob at some point. (As my sister has pointed out, I have always flashed a bit of cleavage anyway, so no bragging on my convenient lack of modesty either.) Some people actually get embarrassed, even in this laid back oh-big-deal-it’s-a-boob day and age. One of the playgroup ladies lives quite close to me and I think she's cool and my type of mama. I am considering calling her to get together, but I am hesitant to smother her and her singleton with my atom bomb family.

One friend of mine, who has braved a solo visit with her four month old, said, as she was leaving – “I’m exhausted from just watching you. I don’t know whether to genuflect or to offer you a martini and a hug.” That about sums up why I don’t have a lot of visitors, and why I am reluctant to have play dates, unless they are en masse and the intensity is distributed. That also sums up why I have such a darn hard time making friends anyway – I kind of want a martini drinking, hugging, chummy buddy kind of relationship with a friend, but I also want to be someone worth admiring – I want to be found fabulous. Who doesn’t? But then who wants to be buddies with someone you have to admire? No-body. Then again, who wants to be friends with some one who wants to be petted and comforted all the time?

Uggghhh. I make myself nuts trying to figure it out. Who do I want to be? Who am I now that I have my boys? Who will I be when they no longer need a milk-making, diaper-changing, spoon-feeding caregiver? Will I become a martyr mother, who, after eighteen years of giving her all, wants to follow her boys to college, because she has nothing of her own? That’s why I want to write books, and work on my art projects. It’s not just to get away from the lovingly sticky clutches of my twins, (although that is nice sometimes) it’s also so I have something of my own to do.

Ya know, maybe the controversial anonymous and I could be friends after all. She seems to be defensive, (like me) proud of her accomplishments, (like me) and a little confused by the attack of her needy family. Just like me.