Weaning myself and gaining the world

As you dear readers know by now, I have been off the breastfeeding estrogen rollercoaster for almost two weeks now, with just one bout of nighttime nursing for each boy. My oh my, what a roller coaster it was! I truly didn’t realize how much my hormones all crazy, the physical demands of nursing twins, the constant pull of them on my emotions and the lack of personal space made me crabby, touchy, grouchy, fussy and a bit out of control. To all those I have screamed at, stomped on, yelled at, evil eyed and/or insulted in some way, I beg leave to apologize.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with a guy I know. Because he is intelligent and sensitive and a stay home dad, I know he really can relate to what it’s like to be a stay home mother. Of course, he didn’t get to experience the estrogen laden breastfeeding part of it, but he’s in touch. Anyway, I told him how much better I feel as a human being about life in general and how much more patience and emotional strength I have since I stopped being so drained by the boys. He said, and this was interesting, “Oh, I guess you owe our friend with new twins an apology, right?”

What he meant by that is this: I had advised, because she had asked, that our friend nurse her new twins for as long as she could. For her, that might have been a few weeks, or a few months, and not necessarily two years. She decided against breastfeeding at all, owing to their early birth and the experience she had in the NICU. I won’t share details, because it is her story to tell, not mine.

I told my guy friend, “No, I don’t need to apologize, because I gave her the best advice I could have given her at the time. When she asked, five months ago, I had just begun to wean, and was still totally into nursing the boys. So I was serious in telling her how wonderful breastfeeding is for babies. Science supports me here and I have not changed my mind on the value of nursing. However, I no longer feel it necessary to nurse for as long as possible, just nurse for as long as you and the baby need to nurse. If that means after one year of breastfeeding Mama is going bonkers, well, wean the baby at one year.”

It was an interesting and valid point he raised; here I am, telling all and sundry how great I feel now that I have stopped nursing, and a year ago I was telling everyone on the planet how great it was that I was still nursing. Hmm. Does that mean I am a bi-polar nursing freak? Don’t answer so fast, you there!

What I feel it all means is this: I did what I thought was best at the time, not realizing quite how powerful the mind altering hormones were coursing through my brain and body really were. It was not until I had stopped did I see that for the past six months at least, a lot of my anger and frustration at EVRYTHING could be attributed, in part, to lactation. This is not to say that all nursing mothers are touchy and grouchy, no, I am one of the lucky ones! Just like pregnancy affects different women very differently, and just as some men find pregnant women beautiful and others find them scary and gross, different women react to the hormones released by nursing in very different ways.

I have met and have heard about the women who love being pregnant and I have read about women who nursed happily for four years, then had a weaning party. (Yes, I really read that, in Mothering Magazine, ‘natch.) On the other hand, I basically hated every day of my pregnancy. Therefore, I am kind of a nutter for thinking I’d love nursing better. Oh, of course sometimes it was great, especially from month four, when they really had the hang of it, to about month sixteen, when they could come up to me and ask to nurse and snuggle. It was also super easy to get them to sleep by nursing them there, and it was so good for my reading! I spent many a happy hour curled up with my boys, reading book after book as they nursed and napped in my arms. It was a really special time, but I over-killed it a bit.

With the clear vision of hindsight I can see what happened. I got used to nursing and used to the physical demands of two boys and became accustomed to feeling unpleasant and weird. When the unpleasant feelings, the exhaustion, the moodiness and the fly-off-the-handle thing just stayed and stayed, even after they were able to tell me what they needed, walk on their own, play together without needing me 200% of the time, I did not even consider the nursing hormones as a cause. In fact, I even felt moody and grouchy once they had started school. You know, the big "break" that was supposed to make it all better. The fact that it is no longer 90 degrees in the shade and that I am guaranteed a 3 hour break from Mama-hood every three days is a part of it, but not that big a part of it. The first week they were at school I still resented them when I went to pick them up and still found the whiny-crying as irritating as a hair shirt. Now when they boo-hoo and screech Mama! I only want to comfort them. Naturally, I still want them to stop screeching, and it is still irritating, but just a little. It’s less “hair shirt” and more like an itchy tag in a new tee shirt. Since I know I am not going to be quite so invaded, I can hold a baby or two for twenty minutes at a stretch, if needed.

I have heard, from many, many Mamas that these are the wonderful years. When the babies are small and when they love you so much, and just light up to see you…this is the best time of your life. Now that I am not so miserable, I can see how many feel this way. I still don’t think I was intended by some grand plan to be a stay at home mother, but since I am far too lazy to go find a paying job, I’ll keep the one I have.

One of my favorite movies is A Man for All Seasons, directed by Fred Zinnemann. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend you do. There is a scene in which John Hurt’s Richard Rich tells a damning fabrication about Paul Scofield’s Sir Thomas Moore, sealing Sir Thomas’ fate as a traitor to the Crown, and giving Henry VIII the excuse to execute him. Sir Thomas sees Rich’s new chain of office and asks what it is for. Rich replies he is now a chancellor of Wales, or a tax collector of Wales, or some major figure in Wales. Sir Thomas says, "What shall it profit a man if he wins the whole world but loses his soul - but for Wales! For Wales!" When people said to me, “MOT, I know being a mother is difficult, but I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world.” I used to reply, "I’d trade it for Wales." However, I have since reserved my feminine right, and have changed my mind.